Born

utilitarianstry @ 2009-12-27T19:05:00

2009-12-28T00:05:35Z

I am trying to watch Twin Peaks online, because it is online, on CBS, but it is so slow, pausing every two seconds, that I am just about on the verge of insanity. It has taken probably an hour to watch 15 minutes.

Infinite um

2009-12-19T21:05:47Z

I finished Infinite Jest today. And... what, exactly, was that all about?

Infinite read

2009-12-18T07:34:52Z

I am almost done with Infinite Jest. As of today I have 90 pages left. It has been six months, but to be honest I did not read it over the quarter, so really it has been three months, add or subtract a few weeks. For me, it has never felt like such the fucking chore so many people make it out to be. My experience has been that it is not hard to read: I believe that I understand something, despite reading so passively. And that really is what reading for relaxation is all about, right? A little ironic, though, given the book. One other assessment: it doesn't appear as triumphant to me as I thought it would (the finishing of it, that is). I guess we'll have to check back tomorrow, though.

Summer of George

2009-07-12T07:36:22Z

It's summer of nothing. Summer of wake up at noon and do all forms of lying until two o'clock the next day when you're tired. Right, tired. Summer of dream about millipedes biting your neck, and by the way what the fuck was that, and funny thing was I didn't even want to wake up from it. I wanted to see what happened. Where it went. Where fucking millipedes biting my fucking neck running down staircases in japanese airports fucking went. Summer of nothing. Summer of should. Family of should. And I'm not even Hal Incandenza. And I know I run this beat every time I'm reading a new book, but honestly, I'm not even smoking pot or anything. I feel strongly, maybe not very strongly, but strongly enough that if I were smoking pot, or breaking some laws, or abusing this or that organ inside my body, I wouldn't even be feeling this shitty about this summer of nothing. That's embarrassing, right, but come on.

There might be other options. Like Jane Austen romantic period options. Looking at nature. Somehow that being enough. Like the Science channel.

The problem is that I can't do shit out of luck, stupid, spoiled brat well. I can't even do bored teenager well. My bored teenager is like, it's like your grandmother. It's like I have an oxygen tank and a gimp knee and I can't remember how to put on a bra or pick up my clothes off the bathroom floor and the thing that gets me off the most is just thinking about the sheer possibility of getting off my ass and doing something, anything. And days just go by. They just go the fuck by. I mean, what's that? What the fuck is that. But this is it. This is it. I know---I have been saying this to myself, standing in the bathroom mirror, I have been saying it---and I've known, the way you always just fucking know, that this is it. This is it for the rest of forever. And oh it really seems like forever.

And I have so much shit. I came home from school with two bags full of clothes and I couldn't put them anywhere. What's that? How does such a nothing master accumulate so much shit and not even manage to be doing anything even halfway dirty with her time? It's unheard of. It's depressing. If I were actually doing something dirty I would have something to hold on to, you know. But whatever. I'm not depressed but it's depressing. To me. Not to anyone else. It's not something other people could even begin to find depressing, what with the blame game etc., but to me it is depressing. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't rather be back at the U of C. No way. Not yet.

Also, no offense, but I hate the Science channel. No, I hate 95% of the programming on the Science channel. Of HD channels it is bested, that is in terms of undesirability, only by the SciFi channel, which by the way is now called SyFy, because what the fuck. I sense that I'm supposed to like the Science channel, maybe even love the Science channel, by the way of some weird social cue or something having to do with the ether, and it only makes this strange clot of emotions even worse. I think mostly that it just intimidates me. Can one both like science and dislike the Science channel? Must we all be like that short asian guy with long graying weird-hair who is excited about everything? Etc., etc., etc. ...

IF ONLY

2009-06-11T08:12:15Z

I could write as fast as I can eat

utilitarianstry @ 2009-05-27T22:43:00

2009-05-28T03:59:40Z

I'm not reading Ulysses. Instead, I'm... not reading Ulysses. It's not that it bores me. It's that maybe the act of reading bores me. I'm a sentimentalist, you know, what's that telegram, the sentimentalist is he who would enjoy without incurring the immense debtorship for a thing done.

utilitarianstry @ 2009-03-18T05:45:00

2009-03-18T10:53:57Z

Um... yes. My tummy hurts. I am sleepy. That is all.

Balls

2009-02-20T09:12:17Z

Aaaaaaauuuuuggghhhhh

utilitarianstry @ 2009-02-08T01:29:00

2009-02-08T07:59:26Z

Today was no-coat weather. Everyone was outside. There was a great migration. I was outside around noon-thirty and I saw it--people in the streets. They really were everywhere. I walked to Nichols park, which is where the parakeets were on Friday. I felt greatly emancipated from all things, but it was really only a prideful thing like that one time with the bus, and I was obstinately fighting my guts the whole time. I brought Durkheim with me, and I took my shoes off when I sat on a bench to read it because they were very wet from when I kept stepping in puddles. I could not keep my head straight after ten pages so I stood up to walk around the park. Once I was on the paved path there was this enormous gulf of water between myself and a swing set and I had to lean on a pole to figure out how to get around it. It was tedious but I did not feel too stupid. We were always going to parks and playgrounds back home, but I did not feel nostalgic. I didn't even remark that at the time, this is just an embellishment in hindsight. I could not fight myself to swing on the swings, either, which was followed by this fatalistic attitude that I would not turn back once I turned away from it, so I just turned away from it. There were forces acting on me, and goddamn it I could feel them. I listened to Patrick Wolf on the way over and Pearl Jam on the way back and it didn't quite feel right. It was incongruous music, but I thought I would give it a try anyway.

Anyhow, I really am fighting my guts. They are pulling me in all directions.

utilitarianstry @ 2009-02-04T23:55:00

2009-02-05T05:57:32Z

I am doing jackshit today. It was a mediocre day.

utilitarianstry @ 2009-01-21T02:36:00

2009-01-21T08:53:53Z

I just want to screw around always. It is so much better that way, you know? I am actually having a good time right now, despite not having any internship goo going on in my summer. But for now I would be happy enough not thinking about it. It is all very depressing, that stuff.

utilitarianstry @ 2009-01-19T18:42:00

2009-01-20T00:45:53Z

There are a lot of mundane things I never thought I'd do. I'm trying new shampoo, so it's the first day of the rest of my life.

utilitarianstry @ 2008-12-15T04:41:00

2008-12-15T09:47:20Z

There needs to be more creativity in putting yourself down, in raising yourself up, and in making yourself look crazy. It's all, autonomous beings, writing in a personally compelling way, writing the same shit as everyone else.

utilitarianstry @ 2008-11-24T07:49:00

2008-11-24T13:55:33Z

A pipe broke yesterday and feces went everywhere, poured all over this grieving family who was staying in a suite on the second floor, caved the ceiling in over our dining hall table.

utilitarianstry @ 2008-11-10T16:13:00

2008-11-10T22:19:14Z

I lost my hat yesterday in a fit of paper. I had finally come to terms with wearing a hat, too. Additionally going hatless is now devastating. Somehow I can look backwards and do a bit of hand-waving and say that I always knew it would be a bad day for that hat.

utilitarianstry @ 2008-10-13T00:35:00

2008-10-13T05:35:39Z

Blarg blarg blarg

Don't forget the time

2008-09-22T05:44:36Z

http://nyssa-who.com/

It's an old picture, but what the hell

utilitarianstry @ 2008-09-16T04:01:00

2008-09-16T08:19:03Z

I am horrible. It's just like the thing with the dog. My whole life is the thing with the dog. It's all I am: the thing with the dog. You say, Nyssa, tell me about yourself, and I'll fucking tell you about the thing with the dog, because that's all I am, the fucking thing with the fucking dog. Who am I to talk. You're wasting your life? You're not wasting your life. I'll tell you who's wasting her fucking life.

I am only an egg

2008-07-10T03:38:41Z

Half-Life is a little too scary to play alone right now. But I do not ever want to sleep on the day I get back home from being somewhere. I think it is because I do not want to be sad. Feel like a noodle for a while; it will pass. I wriggle, and I want to sigh. One has to admit it ought to be uncanny to wake up in Chicago next to someone but to sleep in Orlando alone. I do not want to talk about sleep anymore because it is too pointless. It is a long time. Maybe if I were raised on Mars, it would seem different. Today there was one of those girls in the airport. She was a small girl with lacquered nails, light skin, streaked blonde hair, and a face like a pug. Most of the time they have faces like that. Somehow it fits. I decided that I find this kind of person fascinating.

Mankey

2008-06-23T02:45:20Z

Today I made a monkey out of socks.

Facebook profile picture:

Artistic nude:

utilitarianstry @ 2008-06-20T20:16:00

2008-06-21T00:16:52Z

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Katherine Harris

2008-06-16T04:44:07Z

Weird-feeling

2008-06-14T06:42:11Z

I am home in Florida, a little weepy but otherwise completely rational. The short and sweet of it is that I am going to miss Rafa. I do not want to sleep, so I am sitting out by the television in this familiar unfamiliar living room with a laptop watching that show about brides on television. Being home is not weird-feeling at all, which only makes it weirder. I want to make a sock monkey! (Maybe I will)

Herbert West—Re-animator

2008-06-02T21:41:20Z

It is very humid here, which reminds me of this Lee County license plate I saw parked outside of Pierce the other day.

I saw a dead bird, which reminded me of how unfortunate it would be to inhale through the straw you were using to figure out the flow of air through a bird's air sacs. That is one of those things, that should stir the ghost in you like with a plastic rod. But it didn't move me. What can I say? Chicago is the Borax to my PVA.

Early this morning I drew a picture of a person with crutches and one leg on my whiteboard, and then I saw a woman with crutches and one leg in the dining hall this afternoon. They were both missing the same amount of the same leg. The only difference was that my drawing was of ambiguous gender and naked, with a speech bubble covering up its lower torso. It was a little bit like the dead bird. If I was supposed to feel something, I didn't, but I guessed that what I was supposed to be feeling was awe at the predictive capabilities of my doodles, and that maybe I have a ghost after all.

The truth is, I want to be an intern for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Association, but it's complicated. The real question is, why does a rubber band become brittle upon heating? I think I'm just in it for the useless information. I don't know how to get the experience I want.

Sometimes when I have nothing else to think about, I think about Alia's human project. Dead cats are just fucking dead cats. Sometimes they're really boring. You could not ask a cat about the spark of life. But dead humans? I could tell you more if we went to the human lab. We didn't go to the human lab.

Today is monday

2008-05-27T01:36:27Z

Whenever I have nothing to do, I read the Savage Love archive. All I can think about is sexual fetishes.